love is a splendid thing

Love is a funny thing. People do all sorts of things for love. They get married, they have children, they wear matching t-shirts that say I’m with her and have an arrow pointing to the right. Whatever it is that they do, they do this all for love.

I’m certainly no different. There is almost nothing I won’t do for love, especially when it has to do with Jonah, Mia and Andrea. However, what I have learned is that’s not always the case coming back my way.

Let me explain.

Andrea and I have been together for 8 years, have two wonderful children and live an incredible life. This life has always been one that is based on mutual respect, compassion, and adoration. However that all came screeching to an end, just like the sound of an 18 wheeler careening out of control as it was about to hit an embankment in the middle of the night when all else was silent. Here’s what happened.

I had been petitioning for an ipod for some time. You know the one, with the touch screen. I have been just amazed at how cool they are and quite frankly, even if it could add nothing to my life, it would be fun to have. Every day I called Andrea and said all the reasons that it would be great to have. I told her about all the apps that would be helpful, nay necessary, to just live our life. I told her how I would use it daily. I even told her how I might be more readily available to do all the chores in the house, although I can’t actually remember saying that. This went of for weeks. Then one day she says to me, what about an iphone? She says she just heard on the radio about this great app and thinks she needs to have an iphone. I say, well I think that might be too expensive, but let’s see. So I figure out a way to get one that doesn’t cost too much more money. I get one. And you know what?

She took it!

She now says that the iphone is a piece of equipment that nobody should be without. Perhaps she forgot that she stole it from me and as a result I am, in fact, without one. She says it actually makes her a better person and there is nothing she can’t do. Except perhaps share the iphone with me. She says it’s the greatest thing since organic, whole grain, gluten-free, sliced, and toasted bread covered with organic, grass-fed, locally produced dairy butter. Wait, what about me? What about the love of her life? Where do I fit in? How am I supposed to feel? Well, she is still fond of me, she says.

Say it ain’t so. Did I actually loose out to a phone? To a piece of black plastic that doesn’t even know her name? Sure it vibrates and sure it has a fancy touch screen, but come on. I mean how far can that get her. She says it can get her anywhere she wants to go because look right here, Jeff (she used to call me honey), I have a GPS and a bunch of apps that will suggest all sorts of places I might like based on my interest. There is nothing I can’t do as I am connected to the internet and can access my email, too. And you know what Mr. Raich, if you keep up your whining, I don’t know if I will ever let you even see it again, much less touch it. She says, the fact is that the phone only talks when ‘I’ want it to talk, not like you when you talk whenever ‘you’ want to speak. I still can’t find your off button, Sir. Sir... Sir... when did it get to this point?

Oh, well, at least I have my daughter. Oops, not so much. There is nothing she won’t do in order to play with the phone. She thinks this is the best things since organic, premade, warm from the steamer at Whole Foods, macarooni and cheese. Then there’s always my son. Oops, not so much. There is nothing he won’t do in order to get breast milk and really couldn't care less about the iphone, that is unless it tasted like breast milk.

Here’s the ad I going to place:
Wanted: family to adopt an ousted father and husband. Good at cooking, cleaning, and gardening. Looking for loving family who has learned to despise technology. Please call my home number, but understand you will be unlikely to reach me as the iphone is now our home phone and MY WIFE WON’T LET ME USE IT.