Advice

I've noticed two things since having children. The first is that there is no shortage of advice and people willing to give it to you. The second is that no matter what you do, you're doing it wrong. I remember when Mia was little I was clueless about how to raise a kid (I have to confess not much has changed). Now, 6 years later I know a bit more, but mostly only what doesn't work, which is just about everything we do. So, now here we are, almost 4 months into having Jonah, and the latest issue we are trying to solve is his sleep. I don't know what the problem is for him, I mean I love to sleep. I like sleeping more then, say, chocolate. I probably like it more then movies. I think I even like it more then having chocolate at the movies. And it's one of the few things I'm really good at. Just ask my wife. I can sleep through a tornado on top of my house with Metallica playing in my living room. But not my son. No, he likes to be up. And you know there's almost no way to get angry with him. Once he gets up he gives you this big smile, the kind that can lift souls, stop traffic, and melt butter, which can come in handy when you want buttered popcorn and have no stove. We have been trying to deal with this everyday, which in reality is probably confusing the little guy as we don't seem to be able to stick with any one plan for more then a day. One day we bounce with him, the next we rock, the next we walk, and the next we put him on our head, spin 10 times in a circle and sing the Star Spangled Banner backwards. Needless to say none of this is working.

So we've been talking to people, reading books, and searching the internet. What we've found is that everyone has an opinion on what works for them, but none of it seems to work for us. Why not? Is our kid that different from everyone else's? Have we given birth to a third shift worker? I always thought that those of us who work the graveyard shift did so while slowly getting used to the hours. I never knew that graveyard shift workers were born. And I have to say that when we put our order in, I don't remember checking the box for a child that's up all night.

But here we are with a gorgeous baby boy who won't sleep. The reality of the situation is that most children, the vast majority really, don't sleep through the night until they are 2, which is exactly when it happened for Mia. I have always been convinced that a parent's perception is key. Think about it. You've all seen those parents that think that their child can play the violin; who go on and on about how talented little Joey or Janelle or Juanita is and really what they are playing sounds sort of similar to the torture of the family dog (which is pretty close to what ends up happening). Yikes this sounds terrible. The point is this, if your perception is that your child is doing just as your child should do, then you have no problems. So if my perception was that Andrea and I should go without sleeping more then an hour at a time and Jonah should only take 45 minute naps, then he would be the most wonderful child in the world (not to mention the most beautiful and talented).

But this is not the case. No, the case is that he should be sleeping. So what are we to do? I'll tell you what we've tried so far. Even though we promised not to do it again, we bounce. We bounce like fools. We bounce like there's no tomorrow. I think in the end all this does is move his grey matter around. It's probably not a good thing. But today I put an end to it as it's ruining our bed, killing my back, and creating a child who may not be able to count to 100. We've also tried to not respond so fast when he starts to scream. This didn't work, but it did wake up the neighbors. We've tried to load him up on food thinking that if he were just more full he would sleep longer. All this did was make him bigger and now he's wearing 12 month old onsies. We're at a loss. I guess the only thing to do is to join him. So for now on we too are going to get up every two hours, sometimes every hour. We too are going to scream when our needs are not met the very instant we have them (although I already do this). And we too are going to flail our arms and legs while at the same time smacking everyone around us. I'll let you know how that goes.